I'm pretty sure that it's about time to abandon this journal. I've had it for years and while it's been great, I'm over it. I think that I should move on to greener pastures or something. I'm not leaving lj and if anything I'll be starting a new livejournal. As it stands now, I'm officially not going to update this journal. (Unless it's with another entry with a link to the new one.)

So yeah, Deuces.

I don't give a shit about easter. I really want to go hom (to corona) and sleep in my bed for 3 days straight. Only waking to eat, take a shit, shower and that's it. Then when those 3 days are over I'd like to chill with my homies and reflect on everything that has transpired. I'm a changed person. I'm different now.

My credit card company is being stupid.
I have no money.
I have to live at my mother's house for at least half of this summer.
I have to settle my shit with my credit card company, dispute some stuff on my credit report and make sure all of this is taken care of BEFORE I can apply for a private loan for school.


I hate money. Oh and did I mention that I'm extremely tired but can't sleep before

I stupidly decided to spend christmas with my dad.
On Wednesday his knee popped open (he just got surgery the week before) and blood and fluid got everywhere in the living room. He ended up having to ride in the ambulance to the hospital. He was a raging asshole the entire time.

My sister and I had to wait on him hand and foot. And clean the blood/fluid up out of WHITE CARPET!!!

He went off on me thurday night, yes Christmas, and told me that he never wanted to see me again. This was of course after he pushed me, ripped up my suitcase and did some other foul shit. I've never been that angry in my entire life.

I went to compton yesterday. Some asshole decided to shoot up my aunts block while I was outside with my uncle. We both hit the ground pretty fast, it was almost funny. I found out that a baby got shot and died. I also dropped a few hundred dollars that my uncle gave me in front of the house during all the commotion.He found it so it's all good. It's fucked up about that baby though. The day after christmas.

My car got broken into again this week.
I'm failing 1 class. (I'll probably have to retake it next semester.)
My mom kicked me out of the house last weekend and I have to live with my dad during winter break.
My tattoo sucks/isn't healing right/looks like shit.
I'm having not so great sex.
I've been feeling really lonely.
I have no money. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this next semester.
I really do feel like giving up.


But I won't give up. Shit happens. I'm not smiling about my situation but I'm sure as shit not giving up. I'm trying my absolute hardest to get all of this shit taken care of. I'm so happy that this semester is over and I can finally get my shit back on track. Thank god my Art History teacher is letting me turn in my work during winter break. Now for me to take care of some work for my other class. I only have 2 more classes to do finals for. this is awesome!!!

so i haven’t written an entry in a while but I just wanted to tell everyone what’s gone down in the last few weeks or so since I’ve moved:

-I’ve moved
-made amazing friends
-went to my first rave
-started art school
-gotten freaked out over school
-stopped giving a fuck
-gotten tore up drunk and written up a few times in the dorms
-wrote this guy that I’ve been really into an extremely heartfelt letter.


All in all, life is awesome. I’ll try writing a real entry in a few days. (When I’m not stoned.)

this may have possibly been one of my best birthdays yet.

so yeah, i still love nsync. WHY DO I HAVE THE URGE TO LISTEN TO THEM AND CLEAN MY ROOM??? oh well, might as well do it.

this week. I found a place in oakland that's in my price range, $850 a month that has what I need/some of what i want. The rent is an ungodly amount but all of my utilities are included which means that the internet, power, gas, water in addition to on site laundry is available. Pretty awesome. Too bad I have to leave Corona so prematurely. I won't really be able to say any goodbyes or "celebrate" because I'll be so busy getting my shit ready for school this semester. Classes start on the 2nd of September and I have to register and everything by the end of August. Erg. Things change too quickly.

So I have to find a place to stay for the next year. off to fax my student loan papers.

Then the clouds opened up and GOD said:



LOL!!!

So I haven't made a picture post in a minute. Mostly because my computer is this broken heap that's sitting on top of my book shelf. Bleh. Here are some random ass pictures.


I have to start it off right with my boos.

( pictures and shit )


Now on to my family! I'm going to kick this off with my wonderful Uncle Tommy!


WARNING AFTER THIS CUT THERE ARE SOME PICTURES OF MY DRUNK ASS OLDER SISTER!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
FYI: These were taken the day after thanksgiving.

( DRINK! DRANK! DRUNK! )

Actually, it happened just this moment. I've realized that if I were to get this one amazingly great thing that I want more than anything (at least right now, anyway) it probably wouldn't work out. At all. Maybe it isn't supposed to happen right now (or ever) whatever the case, I'm not going to let this get to me. I need to start getting a hold of my life and just deal with my actions and emotions. I feel like I'm always talking about how I want to be happy but I don't take strides towards that happiness.


I'm trying, I really am.

I'm an itchy-faced bitch. Pity me. (lord knows that I do!)

So I've been having these really bad headaches for the last week and I can't take it anymore. I've resorted to using aspirin (i fucking hate aspirin) every day. So I'm pretty sure that it's time for me to get an MRI and see what's up with my head. I'm thinking that maybe that tumor (it's benign so don't trip) has gotten bigger. My vision is starting to get a little weird and I've started to feel a little dizzy. I noticed the vision thing on Tuesday morning when I woke up. Normally when I wake up in the morning it takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to just waking up. For some reason my vision was blurrier than usual. What's even weirder than that is the fact that only one eye was blurry. I got up, washed my face and what not and my left eye was still blurry. After a half hour it went away but yeah-- it was really odd/strange. I'm a little scared of going to the doctor and possibly finding out if something is wrong or not. But I can't let that stop me from going. Hopefully I'm okay.

I'm dropping a lot of bad habits. I've realized that life is a lot easier when you stop allowing yourself to fuck up.

I'm one of those people that has a rare talent for finding inspiration in some stupid shit. I know that it sounds funny/strange but it's true. For example, I found myself feeling particularly down in the dumps for the last few days. (Don't ask me why, I just have.) So I was watching Planet Terror (talk shit, I don't care) and there's this part where Dakota and Cherry are stuck in one of these rooms on this military base. So they're in there and Cherry is going on and on about her useless talents and yadda yadda yadda and she says something that's particularly sad/morose. Anyway, Dakota gives her this speech and at the end she tells her to "Reach up". When Cherry replies with "What if there's nothing up there?" and sort of rolls her eyes Dakota says "Just reach up." For some reason that really got to me this last time that I've watched it. So even though I feel like I'm caught in this spiral I'm going to reach up and grab onto something that I can use to pull myself out.

Even though I know that I deserve the best in life I still find myself settling for left over breadcrumbs.

This isn't my attempt at being dramatic and cryptic. I feel like this is actually true. NO, I'm probably not going to elaborate when it comes to why it feels this way. I'm not even sure how to elaborate about how I feel because there are too many things to explain. It's just that it seems like everything is starting to feel like it's lacking. My relationships, interests, sense of self and even writing feels like it's missing something. It's like I can physically feel like there's something missing. There is this little voice in my head that keeps saying, "You shouldn't have to work this hard for the bare minimum. You deserve so much more."

I'm just trying to figure out what "more" is and where I can get it. God, everyone deserves more than what they're getting.

I'm really loving this whole "eating right" thing. I'm probably going to get drunk tonight. That is all.